Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
