Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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