I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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