her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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