Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
