new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
