Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
