I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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