She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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