i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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