Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
