plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
