Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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