im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
