how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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