apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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