6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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