He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
