I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
