why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
