Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This is my gift to your gina
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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