Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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