someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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