How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
