Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
