i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
