There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
