Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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