I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
