my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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