I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
