Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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