I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
