SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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