wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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