Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
