I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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