I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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