drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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