One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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