hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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