he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
