also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
