i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
