i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
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