I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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