her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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