I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
