Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
