So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
