I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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