I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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