Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
